Buddah of Beep

In my early twenties I was searching tenaciously for meaning in my life, checking out everything from est & Scientology to born again Christianity & Taoism. One of my investigations was into the practice of biofeedback. I had recently traded in my laid-back beachcomber life style in Hermosa Beach, California for a frenetic, high-octane career as a Manufacturer's Representative in the San Joaquin Valley out of Sacramento. The Unity Church had become my spiritual touchstone while still down in Southern California, so when I moved to Sacramento, one of my first steps was to check in with the church in Sacramento.

They had just begun sponsoring a biofeedback program patterned after one the renowned physician, Dr. Elmer Green had pioneered at the Meninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas. Biofeedback, as it was explained to me, was a relaxation model that utilized technologies to measure signals from one's body. These signals were then relayed to the subject as immediate, auditory feedback reflecting changes in biological patterns that could point to increased or decreased states of relaxation. Thus, rising hand temperature, decreased forehead muscle tension or a shift from Beta to Alpha brainwave pattern activity would testify to the body's relaxation response. The feedback was delivered through a set of headphones monitoring a repeating monotone every two seconds that would lower in pitch as the desired result (measured relaxation) was achieved.

As an eager truth student I jumped right in with the initial group of twelve participants. The program was set over eighteen continuous weeks divided into 3-six week sessions, each of which would focus on a different biofeedback machine. Every week each subject would have two hour long private sessions on the machine along with one group meeting on Friday afternoons to discuss our weekly progress. We started with the hand temperature-measuring machine.

Ted, who had been a student of Dr. Green's, was our facilitator. He explained to us that by lowering our hand temperature we were consciously effecting a change in the blood flow within the capillaries of our hands. This effect was only possible to do within a state of deep relaxation and thus increased hand temperature indicated accomplishment of the goal. He shared with us many relaxation techniques associated with raising hand temperature. These included: meditation, deep breathing and visualization - holding a hot cup of cocoa, warming our hands by a fire, or dipping our hands into a warm bath. The bottom line of all this was that success would be achieved when the monotone sound beeping every two seconds through our headphones, dropped in pitch. Anything else indicated no change in the status quo

I approached my first session bristling with hope and confidence, after-all, I was a bona fide seeker of truth with a lot of peace seeking experience. My results, however, were not so easily forth coming. After two weeks, i.e. four private sessions on the machine I was feeling frustrated. All I had heard through the headphones every two seconds of every hour was the same annoying high pitched tone - "beep . . . beep . . . beep" - clear proof of my failure to relax and achieve the goal. As for the Friday group discussion sessions, I endured them, for most everyone, except me, was delighting in and sharing their experience of their success in lowered tone pitch.

"It was amazing. All of a sudden I felt this deep inner peace and the tone changed. I was incredible. Yes, you too? That was my experience too. I felt so relaxed, so peaceful. I can hardly wait until we try the next machine."

With every shared success I felt more and more incompetent, excluded and incapable. My mind was filled with doubts.

We were beginning our sixth and last week on the temperature machine. Everyone in the group had experienced the joys and surprise of this mystical transition from high to low tone - from stress to relaxation. Everyone but me and with the approach of our impending switch from the temperature machine to the muscle stress testing one I was running out of time.

The first session of my sixth week was no different than all the rest. "Beep . . . beep . . . beep", for 3600 continuous seconds and with the arrival of my second session I was facing my last chance. As I sat in the recliner, lights dim with the headphones covering my ears I tried my best for nearly forty minutes to lower that tone. I imagined hot cups of cocoa radiating through my hands, cracking log fires toasting my palms, calm, warm waterfalls and the deep silence of the woods surrounding me - and absolutely nothing changed. It began to dawn on me that not only was it possible that I was going to fail - it was imminent. The machine mercilessly mocked my shame with its relentless nagging: "beep . . . beep . . . beep."

Then, the moment finally came when I realized that I'd failed. As it sank in, accepting my regret, I turned within and said to myself, "I give up."

The machine spoke back to me, "beep . . . beeoop . . . boop . . . boop . . . boop."

It happened! In that instant my failure was transformed into success.

Oh the elation, my tragedy turned into triumph. I heard myself again in the very next moment ask, "How'd I do that?"

And the machine spoke again, "boop . . . booeep . . . beep . . . beep . . . beep."

And just like that I was right back to trying to make it happen again.

I laughed. What else could I do?

Buddha just kept beeping.